Is it possible to have writers block when you're writing about your own life? If so then I have it. I've been wanting to post something new for a while now, but I just haven't been motivated to write. I sure as hell have been inspired to write, but every time I even think about what to write my mind goes blank. Heck I'm surprised I've made it this far. Well anyway I think I'm back in the swing of things. Now to write about the important stuff.

Mmmhhmm, whats happened? Well lets see, where to start? Lets go with the safe non-Papa (I'll explain later) route. Hospitals, I'm glad we have them, but I hate them for that excact same reason. My uncle and my mom have been in the hospital in the last month. The worst thing about their visits, beside the obvi, is that they went in back-to-back. My uncle got out and my mom went in. I was like "really? wth, God?" After a while of being mad I figured that if I played nice then maybe He would too. In the end He did, and everyone went home a-okay. with the exception of a few new perscriptions and an achey body.

I guess I should talk about Papa now. Oh right I told you I'd explain later, here goes. Papa is my new name for God. Well it's my new borrowed name for God. I'm currently reading a book called "The Shack" and it's pretty good, I'm about half-way through. In the book the wife of the main character calls God Papa. It stuck with me ever since I read it. The way she explained it was, really cool, she calls Him Papa because of the closeness she has with Him. I have to admit, I was a bit envyous of this. Not the name, but the closeness. That's all I've wanted for so long now: a close relationship with Papa. Hell I mean at this point I'd even settle for just an aquaintanence. My relationship with Papa used to be strong and healty, but now, as I've stated before, it's in horrible condition. It's awful and pathetic because I won't even attempt to control the things that I can. Things like the drug usage and drinking and smoking and skipping and bad grades and what ever else I'm forgetting, cause I know there's more. I just need to grow up. simple as that. But what is growing in a world or regression? Let me tell you...

Growth, it comes as a result of change. Change comes from not being content or happy in your life. And not being happy in your life comes as a direct result of Satan trying to win you over. Don't let him, don't let him have you. Your soul is too preciouce. You were ment to know so much more than what Satan is gving you. Let God win, let Him consume you. Let Him engulf you in His love. Surrender, lay it all down, give Him all of you, every ounce. It dosen't matter your past. What matters is that you choose to let God in, and let Him win.

Wow, that was deep. As you should know I like to leave you with a last thought to ponder or a question to answer. So mmmhhmm lemmie think of a good one, ah-ha got it. So as we wrap this up I leave you with this. God is great and Satan's not, eat your peas and pray a lot. :P But seriously, prayer is a great way to grow in your relationship with The Lord. As always thank you for reading.

Prayer Brings Change

A friend of mine suggested that I might want to read the book "Shattered Dreams: God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy" by Larry Crabb. So I started reading it. Let me tell you, sometimes when I'm reading this book it feels like Larry's speaking directly to me. Here's a paragraph where I feel like this is happening:

"Whatever the means, the goal is the same: Handle Pain! Find some way to keep going in spite of the hurt. Don't think about it. Stay strong, move onto the next chapter, make it. Do whatever helps, whether going on a spiritual retreat, leaning on family, talking to a counselor, or reading books recommended by concerned friends. Relieve the pain if you can. Live through it if you must. Whatever you do, handle the pain!"

It's somewhat freaky and amazing at the same time. This has happened at numerous times to me while reading this book (and I'm not even on chapter 4 yet). Sometimes I just stop reading it altogether. I close my eyes and begin to pray. It's like I can't concentrate on reading the book, like I can't concentrate on anything.

In these times of prayer I ask God to forgive me and for Him to let the people I hurt to also forgive me. Most of all I ask Him to help me forgive myself not just for the situations that have transpired last year and this. But for the way I've treated Him and for not being proud of who I am, not being proud that I'm a CHRISTIAN. For letting our relationship deteriorate so completely and absolutely. Not even caring in the slytest until it ruined everything.

I now look at things through different eyes, hear though different ears and feel with different feelings. It's as if I needed to hit rock bottom over and over again to really change- to see how bad I hurt the people I love the most. I'm now taking one day at a time and learning to appreciate everything anyone does for me. You could say that I'm learning my lesson, but isn't that what punishment is all about? People caring and loving you so much that they would cut you off from the one thing you needed the most to make you see that you need to change.? From this experience that is my new definition of punishment.

And to think, this all started with a book recommended by a concerned friend. ;)