A friend of mine suggested that I might want to read the book "Shattered Dreams: God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy" by Larry Crabb. So I started reading it. Let me tell you, sometimes when I'm reading this book it feels like Larry's speaking directly to me. Here's a paragraph where I feel like this is happening:"Whatever the means, the goal is the same: Handle Pain! Find some way to keep going in spite of the hurt. Don't think about it. Stay strong, move onto the next chapter, make it. Do whatever helps, whether going on a spiritual retreat, leaning on family, talking to a counselor, or reading books recommended by concerned friends. Relieve the pain if you can. Live through it if you must. Whatever you do, handle the pain!"
It's somewhat freaky and amazing at the same time. This has happened at numerous times to me while reading this book (and I'm not even on chapter 4 yet). Sometimes I just stop reading it altogether. I close my eyes and begin to pray. It's like I can't concentrate on reading the book, like I can't concentrate on anything.
In these times of prayer I ask God to forgive me and for Him to let the people I hurt to also forgive me. Most of all I ask Him to help me forgive myself not just for the situations that have transpired last year and this. But for the way I've treated Him and for not being proud of who I am, not being proud that I'm a CHRISTIAN. For letting our relationship deteriorate so completely and absolutely. Not even caring in the slytest until it ruined everything.
I now look at things through different eyes, hear though different ears and feel with different feelings. It's as if I needed to hit rock bottom over and over again to really change- to see how bad I hurt the people I love the most. I'm now taking one day at a time and learning to appreciate everything anyone does for me. You could say that I'm learning my lesson, but isn't that what punishment is all about? People caring and loving you so much that they would cut you off from the one thing you needed the most to make you see that you need to change.? From this experience that is my new definition of punishment.
And to think, this all started with a book recommended by a concerned friend. ;)
