Shattered Dreams and My Surrender

Okay, so last night I finally got done reading Shattered Dreams. It's a great book, where ever you are in you walk with God. I like to think that through reading this book I've become more understanding of the way God works. He works on His terms, not ours. He does what He knows is right for us. We might not think it's the right thing for the here and now, but it is the right thing for us down the road.

The road, what do you think of when you hear that word? Do you think "Place we drive on" or "path we walk on"? For me as of now I choose to think of "The Road" as the path I walk on. By "path we walk on" I mean our journey to closeness with God. I just recently discovered that, that-closeness with God- is our ultimate dream. We just don't know it yet. I also learned that the desire for that closeness with God is only achieved through broken or shattered dreams. Only when we're at our lowest point, when we're out of options, when we feel that no one really understands, and when we feel hopeless and out of control only then will we utterly and completely surrender to God. Now I will tell you the story of my surrender.

My surrender is a long story of buying in and copping out and buying in and coping out again, and then once and completely giving everything to God. It was easier than I thought, but yet everything I expected. I've been told for the longest time that it's not about being worthy of His love (because none of us are) it's about the grace and mercy he bestows upon us. It's about saying "God I can't do this by myself anymore, I need your help, I want your help. I surrender to your will for my life because without you I'm nothing, but with your help and guidance I can be what you intended for me to be. Thank you, Father." That was (and still is) my prayer. I know that my life now will not be easier, but now,-with God- my life will be a path walked by two, not one.

Lots Has Happened, Not Much Has Changed

Wow it's been over a month since I posted anything new, sorry for that. Well let me give you a quick run through of what has happened. First of all and most importantly I'm back in Bridges. This just happened recently so don't feel too out of the loop. :) Ok next on the big list is uh um?!, I have made a apologies to the ones I have hurt, all but one. I'm working on it, it's harder than you think- apologizing for taking someone on a roller coaster ride that you weren't even aware they were on. Continuing there's been a bit of a setback, I've been leaning on things that immediately produce a great amount of numbness for me.

Now I'm going to talk about the best and most terrifying that has happened- myself being back in Bridges. I was automatically happy of course but after about five seconds of overwhelming joy- I was stricken with a feeling of shock, nervousness, and most of all fear. Fear that I would hurt people again, fear that I would do something so intolerable that I would be out for good, fear that I couldn't do this, fear that I was making a mistake for letting myself back into people's lives. I was (and still am) scared of all those things. I walk in the doors, see certain people, and put the zombie mask on. I pretend th-that, I don't even pretend-I feel nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing, I say nothing. All of this for fear that I might hurt them. Call me crazy but, I rather die than hurt them again. It just hurts to much- knowing that they've hurt over me, because of me.

On a lighter note, just over the weekend I spent the night at my friends house. To say the least it was great. Many vids were made and we watched NEW MOON (thank you bootleg). Theres proly no food left in that house cause we SMASHED all night/ morning. Best day/night/day ever!!! I might post something tomorrow, or Wednesday-after BTC (Bridges). <3

Prayer Brings Change

A friend of mine suggested that I might want to read the book "Shattered Dreams: God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy" by Larry Crabb. So I started reading it. Let me tell you, sometimes when I'm reading this book it feels like Larry's speaking directly to me. Here's a paragraph where I feel like this is happening:

"Whatever the means, the goal is the same: Handle Pain! Find some way to keep going in spite of the hurt. Don't think about it. Stay strong, move onto the next chapter, make it. Do whatever helps, whether going on a spiritual retreat, leaning on family, talking to a counselor, or reading books recommended by concerned friends. Relieve the pain if you can. Live through it if you must. Whatever you do, handle the pain!"

It's somewhat freaky and amazing at the same time. This has happened at numerous times to me while reading this book (and I'm not even on chapter 4 yet). Sometimes I just stop reading it altogether. I close my eyes and begin to pray. It's like I can't concentrate on reading the book, like I can't concentrate on anything.

In these times of prayer I ask God to forgive me and for Him to let the people I hurt to also forgive me. Most of all I ask Him to help me forgive myself not just for the situations that have transpired last year and this. But for the way I've treated Him and for not being proud of who I am, not being proud that I'm a CHRISTIAN. For letting our relationship deteriorate so completely and absolutely. Not even caring in the slytest until it ruined everything.

I now look at things through different eyes, hear though different ears and feel with different feelings. It's as if I needed to hit rock bottom over and over again to really change- to see how bad I hurt the people I love the most. I'm now taking one day at a time and learning to appreciate everything anyone does for me. You could say that I'm learning my lesson, but isn't that what punishment is all about? People caring and loving you so much that they would cut you off from the one thing you needed the most to make you see that you need to change.? From this experience that is my new definition of punishment.

And to think, this all started with a book recommended by a concerned friend. ;)

Monday 11/16/09

Monday the 16th of November, 2009 was the day I got kicked out of one of the most important things in my life. It was awful I was so stoked to go to BTC that night, too. My mom told me that Travis (the co-creator of an after school program called Bridges Outreach) called and wanted to meet with us. I was like "okay, that's weird" but I wasn't worried or anything like that. My mom called Travis and asked where we should meet him. He told her that he'd just come over to our house. I was still cool.

Then Trav knocked on the door and my heart kicked into over drive, not for the reason you think, but because all of a sudden I felt that something was off. When I opened the door all my fears were confirmed. He looked like he was coming to my house to deliver me the death sentence. It wasn't that bad-but it was bad enough. Bad enough to ruin me, bad enough to make me regret the whole last year of my life, and finally-bad enough to make me cry. Not because Trav was being mean, but because he was brutally honest. He told me how he felt about the things I posted on Facebook and how he didn't like how I was treating him and others, too. He told me that he was done with letting that happen. I didn't want to hear it, not then-not ever. It was, I don't know what it was-the worst possible word in the world could not describe how I felt at that point in time-when he told me that I was out of BTC. He said quote-"I'll call you in a couple months".

Before Travis left he gave me a letter. It wasn't from him, he was just passing it along. I thought I couldn't feel any worse than I already did, then I read the letter. There is no thousand words that could describe how bad I felt after I read that letter. I finally cried myself to sleep sometime after one in the morning. To say the least it wasn't a good day.