Shattered Dreams and My Surrender

Okay, so last night I finally got done reading Shattered Dreams. It's a great book, where ever you are in you walk with God. I like to think that through reading this book I've become more understanding of the way God works. He works on His terms, not ours. He does what He knows is right for us. We might not think it's the right thing for the here and now, but it is the right thing for us down the road.

The road, what do you think of when you hear that word? Do you think "Place we drive on" or "path we walk on"? For me as of now I choose to think of "The Road" as the path I walk on. By "path we walk on" I mean our journey to closeness with God. I just recently discovered that, that-closeness with God- is our ultimate dream. We just don't know it yet. I also learned that the desire for that closeness with God is only achieved through broken or shattered dreams. Only when we're at our lowest point, when we're out of options, when we feel that no one really understands, and when we feel hopeless and out of control only then will we utterly and completely surrender to God. Now I will tell you the story of my surrender.

My surrender is a long story of buying in and copping out and buying in and coping out again, and then once and completely giving everything to God. It was easier than I thought, but yet everything I expected. I've been told for the longest time that it's not about being worthy of His love (because none of us are) it's about the grace and mercy he bestows upon us. It's about saying "God I can't do this by myself anymore, I need your help, I want your help. I surrender to your will for my life because without you I'm nothing, but with your help and guidance I can be what you intended for me to be. Thank you, Father." That was (and still is) my prayer. I know that my life now will not be easier, but now,-with God- my life will be a path walked by two, not one.

Lots Has Happened, Not Much Has Changed

Wow it's been over a month since I posted anything new, sorry for that. Well let me give you a quick run through of what has happened. First of all and most importantly I'm back in Bridges. This just happened recently so don't feel too out of the loop. :) Ok next on the big list is uh um?!, I have made a apologies to the ones I have hurt, all but one. I'm working on it, it's harder than you think- apologizing for taking someone on a roller coaster ride that you weren't even aware they were on. Continuing there's been a bit of a setback, I've been leaning on things that immediately produce a great amount of numbness for me.

Now I'm going to talk about the best and most terrifying that has happened- myself being back in Bridges. I was automatically happy of course but after about five seconds of overwhelming joy- I was stricken with a feeling of shock, nervousness, and most of all fear. Fear that I would hurt people again, fear that I would do something so intolerable that I would be out for good, fear that I couldn't do this, fear that I was making a mistake for letting myself back into people's lives. I was (and still am) scared of all those things. I walk in the doors, see certain people, and put the zombie mask on. I pretend th-that, I don't even pretend-I feel nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing, I say nothing. All of this for fear that I might hurt them. Call me crazy but, I rather die than hurt them again. It just hurts to much- knowing that they've hurt over me, because of me.

On a lighter note, just over the weekend I spent the night at my friends house. To say the least it was great. Many vids were made and we watched NEW MOON (thank you bootleg). Theres proly no food left in that house cause we SMASHED all night/ morning. Best day/night/day ever!!! I might post something tomorrow, or Wednesday-after BTC (Bridges). <3