Holy Ghost, I'm Back! ! ! !

Woah, it's been forever since I've updated this. My badd to the few of you who actually read this. So not much of an update, i mean God really hasn't taken precedent in my life. life is good, so why worry? i know, it sounds horrible but that's just how i feel. i probably should be thanking God for all the blessings i have and yada yada yada, but honestly I'm just not into the whole "god" thing. it'll take some time for that i think, but hey it could only take a few days. it's all up to the big man to show himself to me.

i know he's there and he knows I'm here, so yea. now it's just a chess game, one in which i know he'll win but as for now I'm holding my own pretty darn well. and i know the question on your mind right now is "why fight him then?". to be honest i just don't think I'm ready for all of it. the relationship yes, the religion that comes with it? no.

so i part with you on this note ; fighting a battle you know you'll lose can make you the most humble of servants... eventually.

Full Circle

so we've come full circle, I'm out of btc...again. i totally deserved it but that doesn't mean i like it. Hell i might as well just not have a life any more, btc was my everything. now it's all gone, the friends, the family, everything. i continually fuck up for no apparent reason. just as my life is going smooth and shit i go and fuck up. well I'm pretty sure that I'll NEVER be allowed back in btc, so yea. might as well give up on that. that should be easy for me, cause i give up on everything. i never follow through, never finish anything i start, so why not give up on btc? hell it's not like i have a choice anymore, it's been made for me. damn it!!!! now all i can do is let the boredom set in...and trust me it has.

So yea, I'm not leaving you with any story of inspiration or shit like that. This post was strictly me venting, needing to get the thoughts out of my head so i could move on. oh yea no update on how "God" has been affecting my life either cause to be quite frank i could care less about that. don't like it, then go on, blog about it! >.<

Is it possible to have writers block when you're writing about your own life? If so then I have it. I've been wanting to post something new for a while now, but I just haven't been motivated to write. I sure as hell have been inspired to write, but every time I even think about what to write my mind goes blank. Heck I'm surprised I've made it this far. Well anyway I think I'm back in the swing of things. Now to write about the important stuff.

Mmmhhmm, whats happened? Well lets see, where to start? Lets go with the safe non-Papa (I'll explain later) route. Hospitals, I'm glad we have them, but I hate them for that excact same reason. My uncle and my mom have been in the hospital in the last month. The worst thing about their visits, beside the obvi, is that they went in back-to-back. My uncle got out and my mom went in. I was like "really? wth, God?" After a while of being mad I figured that if I played nice then maybe He would too. In the end He did, and everyone went home a-okay. with the exception of a few new perscriptions and an achey body.

I guess I should talk about Papa now. Oh right I told you I'd explain later, here goes. Papa is my new name for God. Well it's my new borrowed name for God. I'm currently reading a book called "The Shack" and it's pretty good, I'm about half-way through. In the book the wife of the main character calls God Papa. It stuck with me ever since I read it. The way she explained it was, really cool, she calls Him Papa because of the closeness she has with Him. I have to admit, I was a bit envyous of this. Not the name, but the closeness. That's all I've wanted for so long now: a close relationship with Papa. Hell I mean at this point I'd even settle for just an aquaintanence. My relationship with Papa used to be strong and healty, but now, as I've stated before, it's in horrible condition. It's awful and pathetic because I won't even attempt to control the things that I can. Things like the drug usage and drinking and smoking and skipping and bad grades and what ever else I'm forgetting, cause I know there's more. I just need to grow up. simple as that. But what is growing in a world or regression? Let me tell you...

Growth, it comes as a result of change. Change comes from not being content or happy in your life. And not being happy in your life comes as a direct result of Satan trying to win you over. Don't let him, don't let him have you. Your soul is too preciouce. You were ment to know so much more than what Satan is gving you. Let God win, let Him consume you. Let Him engulf you in His love. Surrender, lay it all down, give Him all of you, every ounce. It dosen't matter your past. What matters is that you choose to let God in, and let Him win.

Wow, that was deep. As you should know I like to leave you with a last thought to ponder or a question to answer. So mmmhhmm lemmie think of a good one, ah-ha got it. So as we wrap this up I leave you with this. God is great and Satan's not, eat your peas and pray a lot. :P But seriously, prayer is a great way to grow in your relationship with The Lord. As always thank you for reading.

This is hard!!!!

Okay well surrender is one thing, but life after the surrender. Well that's a totally different story. Life is not any easier as I stated in my last post, but I just couldn't stop myself from hoping that it would be. Grrrr!!! I wish that God was a tangible being, physically I mean because I feel Him sometimes, or at least I think it's Him. But any way if I could just have a twenty minute sit down with Him then maybe I could get some answers. But you see if that were someday the case then every moment of my faith would be well not a lie, but not what we speak it to be. The whole shape of Christianity would change. It would be like a mother telling their child "One day you will see me, so for now while you don't just know that one day you will, okay.?" It wouldn't make a bit of sense. It would be confusing and frustrating. Then that time would come, the twenty minutes would be up, and there you would sit, still confused and still frustrated. But at least with God he guides us (when allowed) to His intended destination for us.

Being a christian is a glorious thing it can also be a very hard thing, especially when God seems unresponsive. When I feel that God is unresponsive IT IS hard. It's not a walk in the park, it's like running for so long that your lungs feel like they're on fire and you can't breath. To say the least it's not pleasnt. I hope that over time my relationship with the Lord can be a good, strong, and amazing one. Not just one that's only on the surface but one that is deep within me. So deep that it feels like it was always there. As for now though our relationship is soooo not like that. It's more chaotic and spastick and well really not a relationship at all. It's more like God's my aquanttince, I know of Him, but I don't know Him. Whereas from His perspective I probably look like a rebelious child who needs to listen and grow up. All the same: we're not on the same page, not by a longshot.

(I already had the 1st two paragrahps of this post done so now I'm just gonna try and pick up where I left off and uptade you guys on my life.)

Life is hard as we speak. It's really not fun or entertaning at all. Well, to be honest, it's hell. I want things that I know I shouldn't and I don't know how to make the toughts in my head stop. My life is seriously screwed up right now. And to make it all worse my friends are dumping all of their problems on me, like I can even attempt to be the one to make their lives better. I tell them to pray and ask God. They're all like "when did you get so smart?" and my reply is "I just am. So do what I told you and you'll end up thanking me later". Then when I get home or whatever I'm like you're such a hypocrite, rach. How can you tell them what to do when you can't even do it yourself? Oh yea you're quite the leader.

Well there you have it somthing new and somthing kinda old.

Feedback is welcome!!

Shattered Dreams and My Surrender

Okay, so last night I finally got done reading Shattered Dreams. It's a great book, where ever you are in you walk with God. I like to think that through reading this book I've become more understanding of the way God works. He works on His terms, not ours. He does what He knows is right for us. We might not think it's the right thing for the here and now, but it is the right thing for us down the road.

The road, what do you think of when you hear that word? Do you think "Place we drive on" or "path we walk on"? For me as of now I choose to think of "The Road" as the path I walk on. By "path we walk on" I mean our journey to closeness with God. I just recently discovered that, that-closeness with God- is our ultimate dream. We just don't know it yet. I also learned that the desire for that closeness with God is only achieved through broken or shattered dreams. Only when we're at our lowest point, when we're out of options, when we feel that no one really understands, and when we feel hopeless and out of control only then will we utterly and completely surrender to God. Now I will tell you the story of my surrender.

My surrender is a long story of buying in and copping out and buying in and coping out again, and then once and completely giving everything to God. It was easier than I thought, but yet everything I expected. I've been told for the longest time that it's not about being worthy of His love (because none of us are) it's about the grace and mercy he bestows upon us. It's about saying "God I can't do this by myself anymore, I need your help, I want your help. I surrender to your will for my life because without you I'm nothing, but with your help and guidance I can be what you intended for me to be. Thank you, Father." That was (and still is) my prayer. I know that my life now will not be easier, but now,-with God- my life will be a path walked by two, not one.

Lots Has Happened, Not Much Has Changed

Wow it's been over a month since I posted anything new, sorry for that. Well let me give you a quick run through of what has happened. First of all and most importantly I'm back in Bridges. This just happened recently so don't feel too out of the loop. :) Ok next on the big list is uh um?!, I have made a apologies to the ones I have hurt, all but one. I'm working on it, it's harder than you think- apologizing for taking someone on a roller coaster ride that you weren't even aware they were on. Continuing there's been a bit of a setback, I've been leaning on things that immediately produce a great amount of numbness for me.

Now I'm going to talk about the best and most terrifying that has happened- myself being back in Bridges. I was automatically happy of course but after about five seconds of overwhelming joy- I was stricken with a feeling of shock, nervousness, and most of all fear. Fear that I would hurt people again, fear that I would do something so intolerable that I would be out for good, fear that I couldn't do this, fear that I was making a mistake for letting myself back into people's lives. I was (and still am) scared of all those things. I walk in the doors, see certain people, and put the zombie mask on. I pretend th-that, I don't even pretend-I feel nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing, I say nothing. All of this for fear that I might hurt them. Call me crazy but, I rather die than hurt them again. It just hurts to much- knowing that they've hurt over me, because of me.

On a lighter note, just over the weekend I spent the night at my friends house. To say the least it was great. Many vids were made and we watched NEW MOON (thank you bootleg). Theres proly no food left in that house cause we SMASHED all night/ morning. Best day/night/day ever!!! I might post something tomorrow, or Wednesday-after BTC (Bridges). <3

Prayer Brings Change

A friend of mine suggested that I might want to read the book "Shattered Dreams: God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy" by Larry Crabb. So I started reading it. Let me tell you, sometimes when I'm reading this book it feels like Larry's speaking directly to me. Here's a paragraph where I feel like this is happening:

"Whatever the means, the goal is the same: Handle Pain! Find some way to keep going in spite of the hurt. Don't think about it. Stay strong, move onto the next chapter, make it. Do whatever helps, whether going on a spiritual retreat, leaning on family, talking to a counselor, or reading books recommended by concerned friends. Relieve the pain if you can. Live through it if you must. Whatever you do, handle the pain!"

It's somewhat freaky and amazing at the same time. This has happened at numerous times to me while reading this book (and I'm not even on chapter 4 yet). Sometimes I just stop reading it altogether. I close my eyes and begin to pray. It's like I can't concentrate on reading the book, like I can't concentrate on anything.

In these times of prayer I ask God to forgive me and for Him to let the people I hurt to also forgive me. Most of all I ask Him to help me forgive myself not just for the situations that have transpired last year and this. But for the way I've treated Him and for not being proud of who I am, not being proud that I'm a CHRISTIAN. For letting our relationship deteriorate so completely and absolutely. Not even caring in the slytest until it ruined everything.

I now look at things through different eyes, hear though different ears and feel with different feelings. It's as if I needed to hit rock bottom over and over again to really change- to see how bad I hurt the people I love the most. I'm now taking one day at a time and learning to appreciate everything anyone does for me. You could say that I'm learning my lesson, but isn't that what punishment is all about? People caring and loving you so much that they would cut you off from the one thing you needed the most to make you see that you need to change.? From this experience that is my new definition of punishment.

And to think, this all started with a book recommended by a concerned friend. ;)

Monday 11/16/09

Monday the 16th of November, 2009 was the day I got kicked out of one of the most important things in my life. It was awful I was so stoked to go to BTC that night, too. My mom told me that Travis (the co-creator of an after school program called Bridges Outreach) called and wanted to meet with us. I was like "okay, that's weird" but I wasn't worried or anything like that. My mom called Travis and asked where we should meet him. He told her that he'd just come over to our house. I was still cool.

Then Trav knocked on the door and my heart kicked into over drive, not for the reason you think, but because all of a sudden I felt that something was off. When I opened the door all my fears were confirmed. He looked like he was coming to my house to deliver me the death sentence. It wasn't that bad-but it was bad enough. Bad enough to ruin me, bad enough to make me regret the whole last year of my life, and finally-bad enough to make me cry. Not because Trav was being mean, but because he was brutally honest. He told me how he felt about the things I posted on Facebook and how he didn't like how I was treating him and others, too. He told me that he was done with letting that happen. I didn't want to hear it, not then-not ever. It was, I don't know what it was-the worst possible word in the world could not describe how I felt at that point in time-when he told me that I was out of BTC. He said quote-"I'll call you in a couple months".

Before Travis left he gave me a letter. It wasn't from him, he was just passing it along. I thought I couldn't feel any worse than I already did, then I read the letter. There is no thousand words that could describe how bad I felt after I read that letter. I finally cried myself to sleep sometime after one in the morning. To say the least it wasn't a good day.